18     (number of times I ran the dishwasher in the past 5 days)

11     (maximum number of people I had at any meal)

2       (pieces of new furniture I bought in the past week)
4       (pounds of meat that I turned into sausage & meatballs)

3.5    (pounds of sausage and meatballs in my freezer right now)

8       (pounds of Honey Baked Ham that were eaten in the last 4 days)

??      (bottles of wine consumed)

0       (nervous breakdowns by anyone during this extravaganza)

The holiday season has officially ended. All the houseguests have gone home & we’ve taken down all the Christmas decorations. We’ve eaten most of the leftovers, with the obvious exception of homemade pasta sauce and meat to go along with it. We’ll be eating pasta in various forms for the next 2 months. Well worth it for all the fun we had with the family.

The season started with Ashley & my annual bakefest of cookies and candies and ended with shoving all the decorations back into the attic until next year. In the meantime, we had an excellent holiday season. Lots of food (I’ve put on more poundage than I care to think about right now), lots of family, lots of memories.

Here’s to a great 2009!

why is it that when I have had too much to drink, I am somehow still capable of putting laundry in the washing machine, unloading the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher, hand washing everything that didn’t fit in the dishwasher, wiping down the countertops, reorganizing the fridge, taking out the trash, moving laundry to the dryer, adding a new load to the washer, and more…. and yet my husband is only capable of playing Xbox?

Brandon and I have spent the last few weeks semi-preparing for the family to come to our house over New Year’s weekend. I’ve been organizing stuff here and there, baking like crazy, and Brandon succumbed to my begging and painted the guest bedroom. But everything up until this week has been kind of mundane stuff that needed to be done around the house. You know, that stuff you never really get around to until company is coming over?

I’m kicking it into high gear now. Between Christmas yesterday (Merry Merry to you & yours, by the way!) and my incessant baking today, I’ve run the dishwasher 4 times in the past 24 hours. Not good for the environment. Or my water bill. Regardless, though, I’ve gotten a lot done. Pretty much everything I can make in advance…. let me retract that… some of the things I can make in advance are done. I tested some new recipes out over Christmas, with suprisingly positive results. I’ve made dozens and dozens of cookies. I’ve got some meals ready and in the freezer, with others just waiting to be made as soon as I get paid and go to the grocery store again.

The house is relatively clean, even down to the closets. The comforter is at the dry cleaner, the floor is getting mopped, and the Christmas decorations are still hanging & pretty. Video game consoles are hooked up and ready to go, musical playlists are created & ready to play on the Media Center, and a makeshift bar has been set up in my kitchen.

We’re getting ready… just waiting for a paycheck and some guests now!!

Brandon fixed the treadmill a few weeks ago. It’s been broken since about this time last year, so I had a few somewhat reasonable excuse not to run…. “it’s too dark when I get home” or “it’s too cold in the morning.” Since he fixed it, though, my only excuse was the one that the others all boiled down to…. “I’m too lazy.”

So this weekend, I finally laced up the running shoes and went out for a run (note: I went OUT for a run… did not utilize aforementioned fixed treadmill… but I do appreciate the fixing of it. Really, I do). Brandon and I decided to go out and run together, which we really haven’t done since we were training for the marathon.

I don’t know if it was the fact that my legs were fresh (nice way of saying I haven’t run in 4 months), that the weather was perfect (cold enough that I didn’t sweat but warm enough that I could feel my blood pumping), or that I had a lot of stress (and calories) to burn off, but it felt excellent. I ran a solid 3.1 without a problem. Unless you count the miniature pinscher that chased me for a lot farther than he should have. And at a toocloseforcomfort distance from my ankles.

Since then, I’ve gotten on the treadmill every day. And it’s feeling good. No knee problems yet, just all the good endorphins and happy de-stress-ifying that comes from exercise.

We’re toying with the idea of another 1/2 marathon. We’ve never done the Country Music 1/2, although I’ve volunteered for it several times. It seems like a good, albeit hilly, race. This may be the year for it…

Or it may be yet another instance of me setting a lofty goal and enjoying the shiny newness of it with a slight lack of follow-through.

Either way, at least I’m running again.

My oh-so-amateur videos from the Tour of Gymnastics Superstars.

Before you heckle my videography, be aware that I did not know until halfway through the show that my camera even has a video function. Also, our seats were so high up the lady next to me wouldn’t let go of the handrail far away from the stage.

Nastia Liukin performing to Ave Maria:

I recently came across this song on my iPod and truly don’t remember putting it there. I have a few Saving Jane songs, and have loved all of them. I probably just downloaded this on a whim and didn’t realize it, but its haunting melody has been following me. I can’t listen to it just once… I always have to skip back and have a second go at it. I’ve been picking the melody out on my keyboard - it’s a simple one - and had to look up the lyrics to go along with it.

It’s a good song for those days that we all have. Those days where you feel just a little lost and a little questioning and a little unworthy. Go buy it on iTunes or something & let me know what you think.
Courtesy of www.my3lyrics.org:

I don’t wanna see, I don’t wanna see anything
I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be lost again
I don’t wanna walk, I don’t wanna walk far from You
I just wanna live, I just wanna live like You do
As I stumble to the light of grace
You said You’d always have a place for me
Got a little scared, got a little scared in the woods
And everywhere I turn, everywhere I turn nothing’s good
Then I saw a little light, saw a
little light shine for me
And I found a little path, found a
little path at my feet
As I fumble with the gift of my free will
He says hush now, listen to my voice, be still
My refuge, my Father
The only Living Water
I’m weary, I’m broken
I’ve cracked my heart wide open
Unholy, unworthy
And still You reassure me
You knew me
Before I new myself
I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be lost again

It is so easy to get caught up in all the stressful things in life, especially when you live in a constant state of stress. I was fortunate enough to be reminded this week of some of those awesome things I have that I take for granted when I’m busy complaining about the more mundane things.

I am so fortunate to have the most incredible family. Not only do I have an awesome husband, but I have the world’s most kick-ass parents, brothers, and sister. Seriously, it’s unfair. I absolutely won the family lottery.

My family is close-knit and loving. No matter what, we have each other’s backs. We’ll make fun of each other (annual gag gifts are the stuff legends are made of), we’ll laugh & cry together, and we do cool stuff together. How many families out there would actually run a marathon together? We may be insane - but we’re insane together. That’s what family is all about.
We aren’t “Leave it to Beaver” all the time. Trust me, we’ve had our tiffs here and there, and we certainly have moments where we get frustrated with each other. But overall, my family kicks ass. They are awesome.

I wish everyone could have the experience of such an incredibly family. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

After about 8 Diet Cokes this evening, my brain can’t turn off. Since I can’t sleep, I figured it was probably time to catch up on the blog.

In my defense, I haven’t been able to log into my own blog for the past month or so… stupid technical glitch that Brandon just showed me how to fix.

But I digress…
Alabama beat UT tonight. Freaking awesome. It’s been way too long since Alabama had a season like this and I am totally stoked. We watched the game from Mickey Roo’s before (and during) The 80s Team show, and it was excellent to watch them win while so many UT fans were there to watch. ROLL TIDE!!

In other AWESOME news, Brandon and I went to see the 2008 Tour of Gymnastics Superstars last week. Nastia Liukin (Gold Medal, All-Around, 2008), Shawn Johnson (Gold Medal, Balance Beam, 2008), Chelsea Memmel (competed with a broken ankle for USA Team), the Hamm twins (you should know them), and Jonathan Horton (Silver Medalist, High Bar, 2008) were all there. Even Shannon Miller performed (the most decorated American Gymnast - male OR female)!!! I think I was more excited than the 8-year-old girls sitting in front of me. And I KNOW I was more excited than Brandon, who was a trooper and entertained my obsession for the evening. I have very crappy video footage that I will post when I figure out how to transfer it from my camera to my blog. To further prove what a good sport Brandon is, he has not once called me a stalker, even though I’ve watched these videos almost daily since the show. He’s a good husband.

That’s all my awesome news for now. More to follow at a later date.

I think I’m going to have to go run laps around the house to burn up the rest of this caffeine.

Today is my favorite holiday of the whole entire year - National Talk Like a Pirate Day. But instead of posting all my favorite pirate jokes, my “ARRRRRR” this year is not to celebrate the vocal genius of the pirate - it’s in frustration for the ridiculous fiasco I just went through to get gas.

We’re driving to my in-laws this weekend, and I only had half a tank last night. So my plan was to get gas on my way between campuses today, then be set to go.

Well, I was running late leaving the one campus to get to the other, so I didn’t have time to get gas…. AND every gas station between my office and the interstate was out of gas.

So, on my way home from the Nashville campus, I started the search for gas. I got off the interstate 15 miles from home so I could begin searching for gas stations on back roads, since none that I had passed alongside the interstate had gas.

In 10 minutes, I passed 10+ gas stations with no gas. I even got duped into pulling into one, because everyone was lining up, so I thought maybe there was gas. But no, everyone else was just fooled, as well.

I called Brandon to ask if he had seen gas anywhere when he was on his lunch break. He was able to pull up a website & tell me where some people had been finding gas locally (gotta love technology).

So, the Mapco and Home Depot gas stations on Moore’s Lane were both supposed to have gas, or had as recently as 2 hrs prior. I went that way, only to find that the line for the Mapco was already backed up across the interstate overpass. I found out why as I passed the gas station: a tanker truck was there, filling up the station. So, if you need gas & live in this area, go get in line now…. there might be some left when you get to the pump.

I opted to go to the Home Depot gas station, so at least I could wait in line in a parking lot, rather than an overpass. There were at least 40 cars in front of me in line, but the mine was moving relatively quickly. Within 35 minutes I was 2 cars from the front.

Just as I was doing an inner victory dance at finally getting to the front of the line, though, I heard the most horrible words that could have been uttered from a pump: “Is this seriously cash only? Why don’t you have a sign up?”

Ah, yes, to top off my sweaty 35 minute parking lot bake (I turned the AC off to - you guessed it - conserve gas), the credit card system at the Home Depot gas station was down.

Yes, seriously. I take back my “gotta love technology” line.

So I pull up to a pump, and go ask the nice gentleman directing traffic if they have an ATM inside the gas station.

“Well, yes,” he says, “but it’s out of money.”

Freaking fabulous. 35 minutes in line, no cash on me, must have gas to get to Alabama, and I am royally screwed.

Our conversation continues:

“All I can tell you, miss,” says the traffic-directing gas station man, “is that some other folks have been driving over to the Home Depot store and buying a pack of gum to get some cash back.”

Me, with much dismay in my voice: “And then drive back & have to sit in line again for another 40 minutes?!”

Gas Station Man: “Well, you probably won’t have to worry about that, because we’ll be out of gas by then.”

Insert my pirate “ARRRRRRR” here - in a totally non-funny, stressed out wail of a scream.

So, after a nanosecond of deliberation, I did what any other person would do in my situation….. left my car parked at the pump, crossed my fingers that I wouldn’t start a riot, and RAN to Home Depot. Forget the whole move my car bit. No more lines for me.

120 seconds, lots more sweat, a bag of Sour Patch Kids, and a brief altercation with the man parked at the pump later, and I was standing back in the gas station, happily handing over my cash.

Fortunately my car was still there, and there was enough SUPER UNLEADED left to fill my tank.

Sidenote: My car doesn’t know what to do with premium gasoline in it. I think it purred when I pulled away from the gas station.

So against all possible odds, I now have a full tank of gas and am ready to hit the road. I hope Brandon is ready to listen to all of my pent-up pirate jokes between here and the Alabama state line.

There’s a Nine Inch Nails song that was covered by Johnny Cash called “Hurt.” I couldn’t tell you who originally wrote it, if it was NIN or someone else, but that fact is irrelevant. What is relevant this evening is the first line of the song - “I hurt myself today/to see if I still feel/I focus on the pain/the only thing that’s real.”

I never really understood that line before. I thought it was poetic, and I could somewhat understand where the line came from, but could never genuinely relate before this evening. Now I’m at that point where I can’t decide if the “hurt” hurts more than the emptiness that would replace it.

When you’re in the throes of the darkest pain of your life, the only thing you want is for it to end. After someone close to you dies, or a horrible breakup, or any kind of misery, you generally try to press on through until that one day when you wake up and the pain is not so bad anymore. When I’ve ever had any kind of horrible pain to deal with in my life, I’ve tried to face it one day at a time, just trying to make it through day by day until that pain starts to lessen.

For the first time ever, I’m at a point where I think a pain has started to lessen, and I truly don’t know what to do with it. I’ve been carrying around this horrible weight every day for the past decade. Every day, no matter how much I’ve pressed forward, no matter what happy feelings I tried to dupe myself into feeling, I’ve always felt this taint in the back of my mind. Every time an ambulance drives past me, I still get chills. Every time I see a Ford Bronco, my chest tenses up. Any time I hear a particular name, my very soul aches. Certain songs still make me cry when I hear them, specific phrases still give me a pang of guilt, certain people still dredge up horrible memories that I can’t quench even if I try. Every July, I spend the month in a funk. The strangest things can prompt me to have a painful memory - watching a play, driving fast with the windows down, going to graduation ceremonies.

At no point over the past decade has this pain diminished much. Maybe incrementally, but never to the point where I thought I’d actually “get over it.”

Tonight, I’m in a situation where that pain should be exponentially greater than ever, and I keep waiting for the familiar hole in my chest to start bleeding, for the edges to start feeling raw. I am terrified of that moment when reality is going to smack me so hard across the face that I fall to the ground short of breath.

And yet, I’m still sitting here, still breathing. Yes, I have that familiar lump in my throat, and my heart aches. But I’m still standing. I’m not wrapping my arms around my chest to keep the pain inside, and I’m not burying the pain beneath some false sense of momentary security.

And I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been waiting and waiting for the moment when this pain would cease, when I could move on with life without thinking about certain events every night before I go to bed. And, while I’m certainly not going to bed without thinking about those events, I’m not feeling the pain I expected to.

So instead of feeling a sense of release, like I expected, why do I only feel guilt? Instead of feeling a little more free, a little lighter, I feel guilty for not feeling the pain that I should. What if I’m not supposed to be moving on? What does that say about me? Am I heartless for not feeling the same pain I’ve felt for so long? If healing is supposed to be good for you, if moving on is supposed to be “healthy,” why do I still feel terrible?

I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent staring at the sky, asking questions to the stars and the heavens about why things have happened the way they did. Tonight, I spent more time staring at the heavens, took yet another long walk in the dark. The reminiscence was too powerful to absorb - I’ve been wandering in the dark for so long, looking for answers from above for so many years… I still don’t have those answers, so I can’t help but think that it’s wrong to keep moving on.

I’ve been pushing forward, putting on a happy face, “faking it until I make it” for so long, that I don’t know what to do now that I might actually be happy. What do you do at this point where grieving is still in process but lessened? I feel so guilty for moving on with my life when others can’t. I see all the cars in my driveway tonight, all the happy faces around me, and can’t help but look in the spaces for the one that is missing. I keep seeking the voice that should be chiming in to the happy shouts from the next room, the car that should be in my driveway, the friend that should be here with me through each and every year.

Yet, for the first time, instead of seeking that face out and being angry or grieved that it’s not here, I feel empty… like after so many years spent looking for it, I’m either exhausted with the search or just accepting of the fact that it’s not here. Neither of these options seems right. How can I give up the search, even if it is just because it’s what some say I “should” do?  I can’t accept that I won’t see that same face at my table again, yet for the first time, I understand that I won’t. It’s not a good feeling, like I expected it would be. It’s hollow. It’s empty. It’s lonely.

If I give up on her, if I stop hurting when she’s not here, how can I still remember her? If I don’t have that ache inside me, I might forget her. And that loss, that emptiness, scares me more than the pain does. At least the pain is familiar, almost comforting after all this time. Releasing the pain means releasing that piece of my heart, and I don’t know that I can do that. I’m afraid that it’s happening whether I want it to or not, and that terrifies me. If I can’t hold onto this memory, no matter how painful, what do I have left???

So I think I can finally understand the poignancy of “Hurt.” I can see how someone would hurt him/herself just to see if they could still feel pain. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t agree with “cutting” or any of those physical pains that people put themselves through just to see if they can still feel pain.

But the psychological kind - I get it. It’s more worth it to feel this pain every day than to feel an emptiness, a bottomless void that can’t be filled through any amount of false substitution.